Let’s be real—family can be a wonderful mess. Having your parents around to help with your kids can be such a gift… until it suddenly isn’t. Maybe Grandma doles out ice cream at every meal or Grandpa lets your kid stay up until midnight on a Tuesday. Or maybe they mean well, but you wish they’d stop handing out “helpful” advice about your parenting choices. Setting boundaries isn’t about building walls—it’s about making life work for everyone (and keeping your sanity intact).
Figuring Out What You Need
Start with a gut check for yourself and your partner. What’s actually bugging you? Maybe it’s big stuff—discipline styles, too many unplanned visits, or even just the fact that you need a heads up before your folks show up. Other times, it’s more subtle, like your parents sharing stories you don’t want your kids repeating at school (yikes).
Write down the things that really matter. Sometimes seeing it on paper helps you separate what truly needs addressing from what’s just quirky family noise.
Own Your Parenting Style
I’ll say this right out loud: you’re the parent. You know what you want for your kids. Don’t be embarrassed to own it, even if it varies wildly from what your parents did when you were a kid. Maybe you’re big on structure and they’re loosey-goosey, or vice versa. That’s okay. The key? Communicate like adults, even when you feel like rolling your eyes.
Talk Before Things Boil Over
Don’t wait until you’re so steamed that you snap at your mom in the middle of the grocery store. Pull your parents aside at a neutral, calm moment. If they come by every other day, maybe invite them for coffee and bring it up then. Try, “We love all your help, and the kids adore you, but can we talk about a couple things so we’re all on the same page?”
This isn’t a courtroom—don’t bring a list of offenses. Keep it specific and kind. “We’re trying to stick with bedtime, so could you help us out by reminding the kids it’s time to wind down at 8?” Or maybe, “We’re trying to limit snacks to after lunch—if you need suggestions for alternatives, I’m happy to help.”
It’s Okay to Say No
I know plenty of parents feel guilt saying “no” to their own mom or dad, but your job is to advocate for your little ones. If you don’t want surprises, make it clear what works for your family. And, here’s a side note: sometimes you need to physically set boundaries. If your parents move to an assisted living community and want to have sleepovers every weekend, you can set expectations that support both their needs and your own.
Find Support and Resources
If you stumble or feelings get bruised, take a breath and remember, family dynamics are always a work in progress. Sometimes, talking to a friend or a counselor helps a ton. There are also great guides out there—Psychology Today covers how to set healthy boundaries with parents, with tips that work for all types of families.
Give a Little, Take a Little
Boundaries are just agreements—flexible, living things. They grow as your kids grow, and sometimes, after an awkward chat or a few weeks of trial and error, family life feels a whole lot smoother. It’s all about respect, love, and the grace to keep trying until you find a happy balance. And hey, you might even get a few nights off in the process.
